Advertisement

I suspect people come in opposites. Not just rich and poor, good and bad, pretty and ugly but also happy and miserable, thoughtful and impetuous, tuneful and toneless as well as, of course, those who get easily angered and those who definitely do not. It’s the last pair that I’m concerned with this Sunday morning. And the reason is that I’m easily annoyed. In polite society they would call me short-tempered. But you could say I’m impatient, intolerant, even irascible.

The paradox is that I usually lose my cool when I know I’m actually expected to keep it. It’s almost as if the challenge is too much. For example, if someone is being silly, or deliberately provoking me, I can maintain my sang-froid only for a few minutes. Then, suddenly but rapidly, my smile starts to fade, my mind is overwhelmed with clever ripostes and I’m ready to strike back. Like a crackerjack, my anger bursts out.

Of course, like Vesuvius it’s all over pretty quickly but it can be equally dramatic. Fortunately, like a kettle that’s boiled over, I calm down fast. But again like lava — or spilled hot water — the damage lasts a lot longer. Unfortunately, the people I fight with tend to sulk. They don’t easily blow a fuse. In fact, they can take a lot before they’re ready to explode. But when they do, they can seethe and simmer for days.

Such was my wife Nisha. Our first quarrel happened over the silliest of things. It went like this.

Well aware of the fact that I like attention Nisha was pandering to my desire. The problem was she did it so noticeably I realised I was being teased. On such occasions Nisha would call me “KT Baba”, a nickname that can be both an endearment but also convey a hint of ridicule.

To start with I took it as a joke. But the problem with jokes is that others join in. Praveen, my best man, and Aftab, another friend, took Nisha’s cue and built on it. Within minutes it was three to one. After that it wasn’t long before my paranoia got the better of me and all humour was lost.

I could feel the passion rushing to my head, my cheeks flushing and my voice rising. Unfortunately, instead of alerting the others to danger this only spurred them to greater effort. Their quarry was rushing headlong for the trap they had set and they were gleefully watching.

Suffice it to say I quarrelled with all three. But whilst Praveen and Aftab laughed it off, Nisha felt let down. If you’re married you’ll know that wives take such husbandly lapses with exaggerated seriousness. After the other two had left her anger poured forth.

“You behaved like a bloody fool,” Nisha said. “Can’t you take a joke?”

“It wasn’t funny.”

“Everyone else thought it was. The only thing is the joke was on you.”

Twenty minutes later, my temper spent, I was as cool as a cucumber. But now Nisha was sulking.

“Coffee?” I asked. Silence. “Tea?” I tried, offering an alternative. More silence. “What’s the matter with you?” I shouted, her refusal to speak getting to me. Silence. “Damn you,” I said. “Damn you too,” she replied and lapsed back into silence. It took two days to patch up.

Of course, fights with others are neither as explosive nor as long lasting but they do flare up equally quickly. I now know that my initial response is intemperate and usually wrong. Alas, I’m wiser when it’s too late. Afterwards all I can do is make up by saying sorry first. Sometimes it works but not always. I have colleagues in office who can hold out for days.

Last week, however, I stumbled upon this explanation by an American behaviour analyst : “The short-tempered, by which I mean those who are easily but often wrongly aroused to anger, are free of guile and transparent. They lay themselves open to ridicule but they are usually unfairly judged. It’s far better to lose control, as they do, but be honest about it, than maintain a false and deceptive calm only to mislead and deceive.”

I wonder if Nisha would have accepted this justification. Or would she have laughed and said: “KT Baba, did you make it up? It sounds too good to be true!” May be it is. But, then, so is the best of human nature.